Turning from the Lord, Cain stormed away. Frustrated, confused, angry… He began to hatch a plan in order to solve his problem and put to rest the growing dissonance inside him.
The next night, Cain snuck out of bed and went to the field to find a good sized rock, one that was just right for doing the deed. At the entrance to the field, an angel appeared and said, “Cain! Glad you came to the field, what can I do for you?”
Cain said, “I’d like to get a rock…. for…. marking a boundary in my field.”
“Great, let’s find you a nice big one, big enough that you might need my help to move it.”
“No no, a bit smaller than that…”
“Perhaps you are building a stone fence around your field? Won’t you need more rocks than that?”
“Well, yes, but, I would like to just test this one out.”
“So you would like just one mid sized rock? Cain, what are you really going to be using this rock for?”
Cain went quiet and walked away from the angel.
The next morning, Cain met Abel in a field and tried to choke him to death. Abel cried out from the ground as his life was slowly expiring beneath Cain’s hands and the Lord arrived in time to separate the two. The Lord put a mark on Cain’s forehead, and reminded Cain about sin crouching at the door.
The next day, Cain went back to the angel at the field and said, “Angel, I need a good rock for killing some animals that are bothering my pastures.”
The angel said, “Good deal! Let me just check a few things here. Come back tomorrow and I’ll have your rock for you, if things check out.”
The next day, Cain returned, his hair covering the mark on his forehead.
The angel said, “Cain, unfortunately, I can’t give you the big rock for killing the animals that are bothering your pasture. Seems you’ve got a mark on your forehead. What I can do is give you these handy traps that will also do the trick.”
Cain went quiet again…. He turned away and went to a different field.
There crouching near the entrance was sin.
Sin said, “Cain! my friend, you are here for what I think you are, correct?”
Cain nodded stoically.
“Well, unfortunately, these rocks are on the black field. Extreme restrictions against the kinds of rocks you’re looking for… They will cost a pretty penny, perhaps a whole year’s harvest!”
“I don’t have that kind of money! Don’t you have something smaller?”
“Sure sure, I have many pebbles here. Perhaps you could throw many at your target and it would go down?”
“Perhaps…” Cain began to grin mischievously.
The next morning, Cain went out to the field with Abel and began to pelt him with tiny pebbles. Abel, becoming angry, fought back and a struggle ensued. The Lord, arrived in time yet again to separate the two, but not before both had sustained serious bruises. Cain received another mark from the Lord and so he gave up on trying to kill his brother and focused instead on being a better farmer.
The next year, Cain’s sacrifice was pleasing to the Lord, while Abel’s was not.
Not too long after, Abel killed Cain in the field with a sling and stone, and Cain’s blood cried out to the Lord from the ground.
Sometime in the far-flung future…..
Robert was pissed off at the world. He was mad. He was crazy. So he went to a pawn shop and bought two good weapons, and then a few more for good measure. He would show them, he would show everyone that nobody messes with Robert White.
He planned on heading to the elementary first, and then the middle school, perhaps he might make it to the high school.
He tweeted that night “It’s coming.”
He posted on Instagram a picture of him holding his newly purchased weapons, “Watch out, gonna rock people’s world tomorrow.”
He Facebook messaged a select few, “Things are gonna change tomorrow, everyone will remember the name Robert White.”
9 A.M the next morning, Robert walked onto Todd Elementary School grounds and began throwing his ammunition at the front door which was locked. It broke. He began making his way inside as someone called the police.
The next few minutes were tense as Robert ran up and down the halls throwing rocks at children. Some were hit and bruised rather badly. He got a hold of a few kids and clonked them on the head, but they were able to wriggle out of his grasp. A few brave teachers faced Robert without any rocks, and subdued him. One got hit by Robert and went unconscious. She recovered later that day in the hospital.
The police showed up, and debated for an hour about whether to go in and stop the rock throwing or not. They finally did something and arrested Robert, who was screaming and frothing at the mouth.
All the children went home to their parents early that day and told them about the crazy Robert White kid who threw a lot of rocks at them and tried very hard to hurt them. No one died though. No children died, and no teachers died, and not even Robert died. Everyone got to go home and enjoy a summer break instead of planning a funeral, except for Robert White. He got a mark on his record and went to jail.
Turns out the old saying is true!
“Rocks don’t kill people, people kill people.”
And the Lord God planted the man and the woman in the garden to take care of it and also the animals. Especially the good doggos.
Near the center of the garden was the tree of life. And next to the tree of life was the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and next to the two trees was also a big red button on a bright golden stand.
The LORD God had commanded Adam and Eve to never eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, else they would die. The LORD God had also told Adam and Eve to not press the Big Red Button either, else a nuclear bomb would fall on the garden of Eden and end all life in the garden. Any surrounding life would be warped and twisted by radiation and corrupt and not according to its original design. Unfortunately, Adam and Eve had forgotten to ask God what a nuclear bomb was, and why he would put it there in the middle of the garden without strict supervision, and God kinda forgot to explain the whole situation.
Now the serpent was craftier than all other creatures and came to Eve one day.
The serpent said, “Hey Eve, what do you think of this fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Looks pretty tasty right? Want some? If you eat it, you’ll become like God, knowing good and evil. Not a bad deal after all? Wouldn’t you want to know good from evil anyway? By the way, how do you even know good from evil now? That’s a genuine question…”
Eve looked at the serpent and said, “No thank you, I don’t want to know good from evil. I trust God in regards to this tree, but this button is suspicious.”
The serpent, growing wary at the mention of the button said, “Ah, Eve, better slow down there. No need to push that button… Do you know what a nuclear bomb is?”
Eve replied, “No, I don’t, but I don’t trust you serpent, and I don’t need you to explain anything to me. I was created a few weeks ago, and I think you are playing with my mind and lying to me. I want to push this button.”
“Not if I press it first!” yelled Adam from behind.
And so Eve, together with Adam, who up until that moment had been standing there mute the entire time, pushed the Big Red Button. A nuclear bomb fell on the garden and destroyed it.
God had to wait 1,000 years for the nuclear radiation to decay, and edited the first verse of the Bible to include, “In the second beginning, God recreated the heavens and the earth…”
Taking notes from the first time, God decided not to include the Big Red Button in creation, but he did happen to leave the tree of knowledge of good and evil in Eden 2.0. After all, the tree was a good idea. He wanted his creation to know the difference between good and evil, but just in due time, certainly before they chose whether to push the Big Red Button or not. After all, what could go wrong if they ate early from the tree of knowledge of good and evil?
Sometime in the far flung future…. (certainly after the nuclear radiation decayed)
Phillip was mad. He was crazy. He was going to get revenge for every mean thing ever done to him. So he went to the weapons store. Behind the counter were several AR-15’s, a few handguns, heck even a bazooka. Out back a tank was for sale as well, but Phillip didn’t have that kind of money, nor could he imagine paying for gas, what with prices being so high.
The clerk said, “Heya there son, need any help finding something?”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a strange golden box with a trigger on top. Fascinated, Phillip said, “What’s that device? Looks special…”
The clerk whistled and said, “Hoo boy, now you’ve got quite the eye. Pull the trigger here, and any living thing you lay eyes on gets killed instantly. These things are GREAT for killing hogs, boy, lemme tell ya. Just gotta make sure you have enough ammo.”
Phillip said, “Hogs. Yes! I need to kill lots of them. I’ll take one!”
The clerk said, “Why you’ve got it sir, only $500, and the ammo is $100.”
Phillip said, “Here’s a credit card, and here’s my ID.”
“Just turned 18, well happy birthday! Good luck hog killing!”
The next day, Phillip shot up an elementary school with this golden device, killing 19 children and 2 teachers before a swat team could kill him.
The Republicans sent their thoughts and prayers to the families, while the Democrats got really very angry and tried to do politics.
“We just don’t understand why this keeps happening.” said local man Tom Green.
“He seemed alright to me when I sold him the device,” said the local clerk at the gun store.
“Devices don’t kill people, people kill people, just like in the story of Cain and Abel,” said Pastor Bill.
“That kid was just a sick son of a b*tch, an evil character. Not my fault he was off in the head.” said Governor Adler, right before he went on stage to speak at the National Gun Association’s yearly convention as the keynote.
Nothing ever changed, except next year, the kid’s name was George, and he only shot 15 kids and 1 adult. Most talking heads hailed this as great progress, and continued to remind children in kindergarten through college that the best way to avoid getting shot is to practice active shooter drills.